I wanted to be still so God can love me, to be still and relax and let God take over. But I can’t sit still! It’s hard to honor the still small voice in my mind! 60,000 thoughts or more a day on a loop: Where do I have to go today? What do I have to wear today? What about my hair today? Me, me, me, me, me! –and what’s for dinner?
Be here now? What is “be”? What is “here”? –with so many thoughts! What is “past”? What is “future”? –and what’s for dinner? What is God? Who am I? Who are you? So many voices, so many choices in my brain!
God loves us whether we’re still or not. I give it all to you God. I surrender. I will notice silence. No more thought. No more fear. For just a moment I was here. I understand now how to pray, nothing in my head, no thought today. I knew nothing of the silence or still small voice inside. Nothing will make you happy until you know that still small voice. I had no distance from my thoughts. I WAS my thoughts and lived my life according to my head.
So I learned to meditate. I meditated to get a Broadway show! But God didn’t care why. And something lifted. My day felt better. I got to watch stuff going on in my mind. I looked at the icky “I’m no good” stuff, at so many negative depressing things. After a while it became funny. I saw that I thought things like “people who wear glasses are smart, so I should stay away or they’d find out I was stupid.” I wanted to be enlightened, so I didn’t want any thoughts at all.
I studied with Eckhart Tolle. He loved the human of us. He said, “You’re going to have thoughts. Allow them. You don’t have to believe them or buy it. Allow.” So I began to notice without judging. Eckhart Tolle had said to just be aware. Don’t judge. Just allow—it is just a thought!
One day I was surprised to notice I did love! I cared! Something had opened up, like my heart. I felt such real compassion. I hadn’t even known it was possible. It was no longer about me, me. It was about the world! When you’re doing “your work” what comes up is the real you! When I asked God what was “my work” I heard “I don’t know.” It’s really a moment to moment thing. A smile, what you wear. Look into their eyes for just two seconds without judgment. Eckhart Tolle said God can come through and bless them. They don’t know and you don’t know what you did. God comes through. A real smile. Something so small done with your heart—that’s why you’re here today! My mom used to say, “Don’t just sit there, do something.” Now I say, “Don’t just do something, sit there!”